What Were You Thinking?

People ask and I have to say I have been thinking.  That could be good.  That could be bad.  Only time will tell.  I can only hope that the thoughts lead somewhere, anywhere.  It is such a waste of time to think, think, think and not have it manifest into something more than just a passing fancy.

So what, you may wonder, have I been thinking about?  That is something is best thought about and not revealed prematurely.  Sorry, but I have noticed lately a half-baked idea rarely results in a souffle you can be proud of. 

Think about it.  How many times have you revealed your plans only to find you did so way too soon and then had to explain why they didn't come to fruition.  That said, if you don't set goals and share dreams, how can you ever find the support and encouragement you need to achieve them?

So I continue to think about this and about that.  Some would say its neither here nor there when it is really somewhere in between.  Observe your thoughts as they flow through your mind, but don't own them.  They are thoughts.  Take them for what they are worth.  You can choose which thoughts reflect your innermost being.  Let the others drift on.  This is what I am thinking about right now and reminding myself that it takes discipline; it takes being mindful; and most of all, it takes deep thought.

Fate and the Best Laid Plans

Sometimes the best laid plans do, as they say, go awry.  Today I planned to attend the Art for Heaven's Sake Festival in Redlands.  I have done so every year for the past several years.  It is something I look forward to.  I usually attend church at the Redlands United Church of Christ on whose ground the festival takes place.  It is a mid-sized fair with probably a hundred more or less artists exhibiting all types of art.  It is a show I really enjoy.

But not this year.  This year I had a bad attack of vertigo and wound up spending the day in and out of bed.  Not the day I planned.  Which makes me wonder if maybe it is instances like this that make it difficult for me to make actual plans.  It always seems that something goes awry.  I hate to think I am a "portender" of doom, but it does seem that my best laid plans seldom go according to, uh, plan.

Okay, call it fate.  It was my fate to miss the show and church and spend the day reeling from an undeserved hangover.  Who knows?  Fate knows!  Fate steps in and takes control.  Man merely acts it out and suffers the fate set forth for him.  Say what?  Fate controls what happens?  Why make plans then?  Huh?  Fate laughs at man's plans.  Say what?

Okay, this is very existential know.  Do we have any say in what happens to us?  Do we dare make plans?  Are we indeed "tempting fate?"  And why would fate be tempted....especially if fate already knows what it intends to set upon us?

So there you have it.  Fate is in the driver's seat.  Is this the way God wants it?  I am rather confused.  Make plans yet fate has other ideas?  This is a concept I have a hard time wrapping my mind around.  Yet, it seems, like the mystery of all that is holy, like the face and nature of God, I can accept it, and I know I need to continue to make plans.  Yes, I might get sick.  Yes, I could get hit by a bus on my way to the art fair.  That may be my fate.  But God knows, I must fly in its face and live my life, God willing, and sometimes fulfill my plan....and always know that sometimes, God has a better one.

Moonstruck

Tonight I watched one of my favorite movies:  Moonstruck.  Starring Cher and Nicolas Cage, it is one of those quirky romantic movies that makes you believe in romance.  Cher's character Loretta, a young widow, has decided to marry for "like".  Then she meets a man, Cage's character, Ronnie, who ignites the flame she thought had long gone out due to "bad luck".  In the background, the fabulous full moon seems to cause everyone in the movie to experience the true meaning of romance.  I loved this movie in 1987 and it is still great today.

Romance.  I remember once being told that, much like the old song says, "falling  in love with love is falling for make believe*."   I imagine everyone who believes in romance is told that sooner or later.  But it doesn't matter, the stars in their eyes make them blind to believing anything else.  Even after these many years with basically no romance, I still believe in romantic love.  I still believe that someday, even at my age, true love will come along.  If not, I will be carried to my reward on a cloud of hope and moonbeam of dreams.  Now just how romantically delirious is that?

*Bernadette Peters in Cinderella sings Falling in Love with Love

Waiting to swim.  How long should you wait until you can go swimming?  Well, if you have eaten, they say you wait an hour.  Of course, this has been disproven.  Just read the Snopes article,  Hour Missed Brooks.  Yet the belief hangs on.  I actually thought it was true when I was a kid.  My mother said so.  So we didn't go swimming for at least an hour after a picnic lunch or at the high school pool.  Why, we didn't even dare take a bath until at least an hour after dinner!

So I heard this said again recently and knowing it really is a old wives' tale, I began to wonder, (not about who those old wives were, that is another wonderment I am sure to pursue some time), but about how much time we spend waiting to swim when we don't have to.  I am thinking of swimming as a metaphor for living in this instance.  Swimming, as is living, is a risky business at times.  It pays to have mastered some skills before you dive in.  Drowning, haven't nearly done it three times, would not be much fun.  And so is living.

It is interesting to me that when we try a new activity that may involve some risk, either to our personal safety, or to our reputation amongst our peers, we are encouraged to "just dive in."   See how nicely the swimming metaphor works?  "Just dive in and your innate knowledge will keep you afloat."  Survival I suppose is a great motivator.  It is just stepped off that diving board that scares the bejeebers out of us.  At least it does for me.

So I wait.  I think about it.  I study it.  I ask my friends.  I talk to experts.  I pray to God for courage and preservation.  And I wait some more.  Finally, I take a baby step.  I work up my courage, take a deep breath, and ...... and I come to my senses.  I am not a good swimmer.  Then that little voice that always speaks up at these particular time says, "You never will be if you don't dive in!  To swim you gotta get wet!"  Oh brother.  As if I didn't know that!

So sometimes I dive in and sometimes I sit back and wait.  I want to be sure I guess I have a back-up plan.  I want to be sure I will be rescue.  Then the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz gruffly chides, "Be a lion, not a mouse."   I say shut up.  Then I finally come to my senses.  Maybe I did eat lunch, but that old wives' tale is just a superstition.  So I decide to swim and, lo and behold, I do not sink. 

So how much time to you wait to swim?  When do you think it is safe to dive in?  What are you missing by not getting wet, by not experiencing the freedom of "swimming".  Waiting is just no use.  If you don't live now, when will you?  And by the same token, when will I?  No more excuses.  Let's dive in!

Spinning Those Wheels

Today I spun my wheels.  Well, not all day.  Just several times.  I stepped on my accelerator and didn't move forward.  Burning rubber told me my wheels were spinning and I needed to stop pushing down on the pedal.  Time to re-assess my progress and/or the lack thereof.

I have this habit of dreaming bigger than my ambition.  In other words, I want to do so much but my drive veers toward the curb.  "Curb Your Enthusiasm" could be the title for my life if it weren't already taken.  And really, enthusiasm is not the problem.  I have that.  I just don't have the get-up-and-go.  Yet I don't think I'm lazy.  Could it be motivation I lack?

I have a list of projects I plan to work on every day.  But by the time I get up, feed the dogs, the cat, the bird, the chickens, walk the dogs, water the outdoor plants and whatever else, I have lost my forward motion.  What happens?  Before I know it, it is time for Jeopardy.

I do well with lists.  I need to make lists of all these things.  I also do well with instant gratification.  If I were to tell you that I wrote a chapter in my book, would you read it and give me praise?  If I caught up on my filing, would you pat me on the back and say "Good job"?  Would I get a standing ovation if I finally updated all the church brochures and successfully led the associate pastor search committee to the location of a "good fit" person?  Stop, I know you would if I needed it or asked for it.  Sometimes I get the kudos I think I need.  When I get those kudos, though, I think, now did you do it because it was something you wanted to do and would have done in any case because it brings me pleasure and recognition is the icing on the cake that you really don't need to eat?

So it is the cake I work for.  Something for the body and soul.  The icing may be nice, but it is not necessary and can give you cavities, and surely it adds to your middle. And getting back to those spinning wheels, well, slowly I will apply the pressure to the accelerator and keep one foot on the brake.  After all, knowing when to go forward and when to stop and when to get out of the car is probably the most important skill anyone in their own driver's seat needs to master.

Dogs Don't Know No Good English

Okay, so I found myself thinking I knew the answers.  So shoot me.  Every once in a while, I think I know what's the problem.  Then I stop, think again, and then I really know what's the problem.  The problem is, of course, that I don't know the answer at all.  I may have an idea or some insight, but, alas, I don't know what is the problem.  What you say?  What's the problem?  The answer is what's the problem.  And the problem is not knowing.

So there you have it.  Somewhere in the above are prepostions that want to be where they fall naturally.   I want to say, "I know what the problem is," but I have been trained not to end a sentence in a preposition.  But when I say "I know what's the problem," it just doesn't feel natural.  That is not the way in which we speak.  Actually, a more natural, converstional way of saying that is, "That's not how we talk."

So it hits me.

Yes, I know what is the problem.  The problem is, trying to put on the dog.  The dog will not be put on.  The dog just wants to know if he gonna get his dinner or a pat on the head or go for a ride in the car with the window down and his head hanging out.  No, unnatural speech patterns will not impress the dog...or anyone else.

So now do you see?  You you grasp the nature of the problem?   The problem is thinking there is a problem when there is none, fixing a problem in an unnatural way and/or knowing the difference.  The problem really is not trusting your intuitive self.  You know what it is.  You know how to say something and how to be true to yourself.  And that is what's the problem.

Learning From Our Past

In his play The Tempest, William Shakespeare wrote, "What's past is prologue." Pondering that, I begin to wonder about the past.  And, as I sit here wondering how I came to be sitting here, wondering, I realize that all that has happened up until now has led me to just this moment.  Perhaps that is what Shakespeare was talking about.  Everything that had happened prior to that moment in the play was what led to that moment in the play.  In other words, now, this moment, is the result of all the events and  happenings up to this now.

Now is all we have.  We should know that by now.  The past is past, the future, a hope away.  But in the history of our lives there are lessons to be learned.  If we do not review our lives every so often, we may never really understand how our lives have unfolded up to this point.  And if we don't understand that, we will never know who we are or how we came to be where we are at this particular moment.

Learning from the past.  Short of living in the past, objectively studying it, can lead to a truly profound understanding of who we are and how we came to be the selves we are here and now.

These are just some thoughts on a quiet evening when I find myself thinking about life and love and the whole existential angst of it all.   I look back at the past and I learn much.  What, you may ask?  That every choice we make is important and has an effect on who we eventually become.  

If we do not learn from the past, the future, to which it is indeed prologue, may not be so bright.  Taking an honest look at our past, though, can not only explain our present, but it can help us choose a better tomorrow.

A Ding in the Universe

Steve Jobs once said, "I want to put a ding in the universe."  Isn't that what any one of us would like to do?  To do something that has a lasting effect.  To make a difference.  That is all any of us would want when it comes right down to it.  To matter.  To contribute.  To be remembered.  You can't do that by not trying.  You have to get up out our chair and move.  You have to live, breathe, be.  Create.  Do something.  That will put a ding in the universe.

Steve Jobs did it.  I am sure he would say, so can you.  Thanks for all you did to make the world a more amazing place, Steve Jobs.  May your legacy be true inspiration.

Death by a Thousand Compromises

Compromise saps the lifeblood from what was a good idea or consuming passion.  The vision dies when others cast shadows and doubt that make the dream seem foolish, ill-conceived or impossible to achieve without changes.

It may be a slow death, but death it is.  Death of the dream, the spirit, the will to go on.  But it does not need to be so.  Compromise need not always lead to the sacrafice of what one knows is the purpose and intent of one's life.  Purpose and intent: these are the two things that can keep motivation going.  Being nice isn't always the best or healthiest thing to do.  You can say "no" without being a jerk.  Sometimes, "no" is just what someone needs to hear.

It is so much easier to deal with "no" than with a "yes" that is insincere or placating.  Making nice is not making nice at all.  As they say, breaking eggs is the only way to make an omelette.

Compromise after compromise is a sure form of slow death to the dreams one holds in one's heart.  Being true to oneself brings back the spark that is what life is all about.  Janis Joplin never gave in and although her life was tragically short due to her own bad choices, she was correct in saying, "Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."  Live the life you were meant to live.  It's all you've got.

Testing God

Every so often I find myself testing God.  Now I know that is a losing proposition.  God will not be tested.  Yet I find myself trying.  I think to myself, "If God really wants me to be happy, He/She/It won't let this happen.  Then I remember it doesn't work that way.  God is God for a reason.  Don't ask me how I know this.  There is no way of testing this.  The reason is well beyond our capability to understand.  We have finite minds.

And don't get to thinking God tests us.  I can't believe that for an instant.  God loves us, his/her/its creation.  Testing is not what its all about.  Life is not a games.  It just is, is, well is Life.  The only tests we endure are the ones we administer to ourselves.  We test ourselves.  We test God.  And all along, God is.  Wherever we are, God is.  So why the tests?  Its human nature.  We just can't accept on its face value, that somethings, like God, just are.  As is life.  As is it all.  Go ahead, test it out.  You'll see.

It's Something to Think About

It is time.  It is time to think.  It is time to think about something.  It's time.  Just going on day to day, not thinking, not pondering, not even worrying, just is not the way it was meant to be.  Think.  That is why the good Lord gave us a brain. He/she wanted us to use it.  And if you don't believe in God as your creator, you have to admit you still have a brain.  You have a brain, whether you want it or not.  So you might as well use it.

I will bet you that you will find yourself using your brain whether you want to or not.  It is very difficult to avoid.  The brain just kicks in and automatically makes decisions for you if you don't take control.  And that is what I am trying to say.  You have a brain to think with, a heart to feel with.  You have eyes to see, ears to hear, a tongue to taste and a nose to smell with.  But the ultimate reality is, it is you who uses these things to make sense of the world around you.  You use these things to understand and make judgements...to stave off your hunger for food, comfort and affection.  It is survival pure and simple.  It is up to you to master these wonderful tools at your disposal.

The brain is a terrible thing to waste.  It is where your mind dwells.  When used properly, it can do wonderful, beautiful things.  I've often thought (using my brain) that maybe we should be licensed to use what we have.  Some training wouldn't hurt.  Oh, wait, we do get the training, some better than others, but ultimately it is up to us to learn.  We are responsible for our own thoughts and feelings.  How we use them is up to us.  It's time.